You should have seen the look on my face when last night’s sex position popped up on my iPhone. I mean what the fuck? Don’t figure skaters and professional ballroom dancers practice for years to achieve this position and Cosmo just wants me to whip my leg up over my head and climb on board?
And never mind that having sex standing up requires a certain mechanical finesse, but dear Cosmo you want me to balance on one foot with my hamstring on full stretch? Yes, nothing screams sexy more than visualizing the appearance of your muscle tear and tendon rupture on MRI.
So while I knew in my heart of hearts that achieving this position would be impossible, I pulled myself together and showed some of that British pluck (the kind of resolve my mother says that “won the war,” and as an aside, if you ever visit my parents you would swear it is still 1945. It’s a bit like being in a Monty Python sketch, and not in a good way).
Anyway, as expected, I’m good to about 90 degrees.
I have to throw down the gauntlet (or should I say throw down the diaphragm?). We’re 0 for 4 Cosmo. Not one of your sex positions so far seem: A) physically possible B) comfortable and C) orgasm inducing. Maybe Malibu Barbie bends like this, but, uh, I don’t. Shouldn’t someone who has had sex at least once and for more than 1 minute have a little look-see before these position go live on your App? Call me crazy!
So thank you Cosmo for your message of female empowerment. From luxurious tresses, to boobs that defy gravity, to sex positions that require an internship in Cirque de Soleil. It’s all so real. And hey, at least this time you had the guy contribute by having him lean back, you know, ever so slightly.
What do you think, are you physically capable of having sex like this?