I follow Cosmo (the magazine, not the drink) on Twitter. Most of the clothes look like what one might wear if one aspired to be a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills when one grows up; however, Cosmo also likes to tweet sex advice. The “naughtier” stuff comes attached to the #CosmoAfterDark hashtag. Since I’m a GYNO who sees a lot of women with sexual difficulties I check out the links because I like to keep my ear to the ground.
The night owls at Cosmo often tweet sex positions…wait for it….after dark. These positions both bore me and reduce me to giggles. First of all, there is really a finite number of ways a penis can be inserted into a vagina, so obviously positions get recycled. You know, hands-over-head as opposed to by-your-side, because that’s sooooo much different.
The other thing that cracks me up is the names. My personal favorite: the spread-eagle-couch-twist, which is obviously tons different than the spread-eagle-edge-of-the-bed-twist or the spread-eagle-roof-of-the-science-building-twist. And then there are the cartoon avatars “doing it.” I mean really, they are so Playboy circa 1970.
I have long thought these sex positions were created by one of the following:
A) a computer who has never had sex and is not programmed to understand how the female body bends.
B) a computer programmer who has never has sex and has no understanding of how the female body bends.
C) a Yogi master/Olympic athlete.
And now I have my proof
I present the Face-to-face-fandango (and dear God, what idiot comes up with these names?).
I dare you to be comfortable in that position long enough to have an orgasm. If you’re over 40, I dare you to even GET into that position! Kids, depth of penetration doesn’t matter when it feels as if your quads are being torn to shreds!
I’m 45 and in pretty good shape. I run three times a week and do a pretty hard core boot camp two-three times a week. My thighs were SCREAMING and I didn’t even get my back down onto the floor. (The things I do for this blog!).
So Cosmo, I’m all for sexual adventure but if you want your carnal challenges to be anything more than a joke, show some respect and have a few real women try them out first. Many women feel bad enough about their bodies as it is and they don’t need to add face-to-face-fandango failure to the list.
Unless of course these positions are all part of the application process for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. If that’s the case, cary on, but a disclaimer would be nice.