You never know when the zombie apocalypse might be upon us. The CDC has excellent information on general survival skills, but they neglected to include crucial GYNO information. Sure, clean drinking water and 3 days of food is important and all, but let’s face it, you don’t want the natural disaster to spread to your reproductive tract.
With that sentiment in mind, here are some essentials that every woman should have tucked away in case the undead should rise and walk the streets:*
- Condoms. Let’s face it, spending the day whacking zombies is a recipe for sexual tension. If Hollywood is right, during a zombie invasion, or any natural disaster for that matter, there is a lot of sex. And what if the guy swinging his bat at zombie brains right next to you looks like Ryan Reynolds, or better yet is Ryan Reynolds? (Oh my God, those abs…). Condoms will help protect you from any sexually transmitted contagion. After all, he may have face like Ryan, but you still don’t know where that penis has been.
- Birth control. Think of condoms as disease prevention – in the best of hands they are only 97% effective at preventing pregnancy (and not everyone has the best of hands). You don’t want to be in the 3% hoping that Cormac McCarthy is wrong and the post apocalyptic world is actually the ideal place to start a family. If you’re on the pill, keep a pack or two in your disaster kit and having a couple of packs of Plan B isn’t a bad idea either. Once the zombies have been vanquished it may take a month or two to get those pill factories up and running. If you have an IUD, you’re good to go.
- A pack of pads and tampons. Look, no one really likes to talk about feminine hygiene, because no one really likes to get their period, but do you really want to risk zombification trying to scrounge up a pad or two from your neighbors? I didn’t think so. In addition, pads are quite handy for bandages and in a pinch you can stuff a tampon into almost any gaping flesh wound. If you favor a Diva Cup, add one to your kit because your neighbors probably won’t even know what that is.
- Plastic bags. Zombies have very poor vision and many are deaf, but they have a highly developed sense of smell. Some say the zombie ability to sniff out flesh and blood rivals that of the vampire (it was a hotly discussed topic last year in Prague at the 2010 World Conference of the Undead). Given that the sewer system could be non functional for several days and who knows when trash pick-up with start again, you might want some plastic bags to help you properly dispose of those of those menstrual products without attracting unwanted attention from zombies or any other night critter.
- Batteries. Yes, yes, the CDC says you need batteries for flashlights, but what about your vibrator? Not every guy you meet is going to look like Ryan Reynolds, you know. While I generally recommend rechargeable vibrators (less noise), you never know when the power is going to be restored or if there might be rolling blackouts. Having a battery operated vibrator and plenty of AA and AAA’s in your emergency preparedness kit is key (if you favor the Hitachi Magic Wand, you are out of luck because there is no battery with enough juice for that baby, only alternating current will do). Stock up on batteries at Toys ‘R Us. No one will suspect a thing.
- Ibuprofen. You don’t want menstrual cramps to interfere with a good day of fighting the undead and it will certainly help with any sore muscles at the end of the day. Zombies use analgesia (they eat brains to ease the pain of being dead), and so should you.