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Cosmo suggests sex against a washing machine to pleasure your man

The Mover and Shaker

The Mover and Shaker

Sex against the washing machine (the slyly named Mover and Shaker) is one of Cosmo’s sex positions that they recently tweeted with that cheeky #CosmoAfterDark. It’s rated a 3 out of 5 on the well-validated 5 flame carnal challenge scale, because leaning against something is apparently slightly more than moderately difficult. However, what caught my eye about this “position” is not the novelty of sex while using a structure for support nor the odd way the woman’s breast hangs over the washing machine, but the genius of the “erotic instructions.”

mover

First of all there is the whole laundry room issue. While I like to think of myself as a willing partner who is always game to try out various rooms and surfaces nothing about my laundry room screams, “Come hither and spread your loins because you are going to have your world rocked.”

There is also the fact that the top of my washer and dryer are an accessory clothes repository as I am laundry roomapparently missing the folding gene and house elfs don’t exist. Thus (needing to grab phone books not withstanding) there could never be anything spontaneous about sex on top of the washing machine. At my house this is something I or my partner would have to plan, and instead of a sexy lead up it would feel more like, “Brace yourself woman, I’ll meet you in the laundry room at 10:30.”

However, I recognize these could just be my hangups. What if the top of your washing machine would make Martha Stewart proud? Maybe there is someone who thinks the mad descent into hot, wanton sex begins in the laundry room.

Head injuries from shelves aside and the fact that leaning over a washing machine doesn’t feel remotely sexy (I tried), there is the issue of the body rocking vibrations. I’m all for well-timed vibrations, but trust me when I say there are far more precise and effective vibration delivery systems. High efficiency washing machines don’t really shake at all (or mine doesn’t, it’s my dryer that rocks the house like a 4.0 quake) and the older model washing machines don’t typically start to jump around until the spin cycle. To get any real motion from the washer you’d actually have to time your tryst for the spin cycle and not, as suggested, just turn on the machine “once you’re going at it,” leading me to believe that the person who wrote the copy hasn’t ever done laundry and possibly might never have had sex (or at least sex that involves a climax). Jennifer in the laundry room at 10:42 during the spin cycle sounds like a bad version of Clue and not the prelude to a mind-blowing orgasm.

But obviously I am missing point, because the purpose of the Mover and Shaker is clearly not to enhance my orgasm. The purpose of a neat laundry room, grabbing some phone books (who even has those anymore?), and making sure your washing machine is twerking is so that your man can feel those carefully timed vibrations “rock through his entire body.” Thank God a woman’s magazine has taken it upon itself to disseminate that important and empowering message, because our society simply doesn’t focus enough on the male sexual experience.

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Discussion

9 thoughts on “Cosmo suggests sex against a washing machine to pleasure your man

  1. My understanding is that the point of this is the spin cycle, although I have never tried it. (We have too much height difference to even consider anything resembling a standing position.)

    As for whether we have Martha Stewart laundry rooms–anyone with a top-loading washer will have the clear space needed.

    Posted by Loren Pechtel | February 8, 2014, 7:21 am
  2. Very funny Jen…

    Posted by Will Smythe, M.D. | February 8, 2014, 8:15 am
  3. At my house, my husband thinks the top-loading washing machine is a table, or something, and he sets computer things on it, and cameras on it, and he polishes shoes on it, etc. Often, just to do laundry, I have to move something carefully off the top. Also, the washer/dryer are in the basement. It’s cold down there. No thank you.

    Posted by dawnk777 | February 8, 2014, 9:23 am
  4. Good Grief. Funny, but sad…

    I first heard about sex and your washer 30+ years ago, so nothing new.

    Nothing intrinsically wrong with trying this out, but that we take our most fundamental life strategies and tactics from magazines is just pathetic. As one wise person I knew once pointed out, the purpose of magazines is to sell ads and more magazines – not look out for you. And the the corporate push to sell us copy – or for that matter, anything they can think of, useful or not – is predictably leading us down ever weirder and more dysfunctional paths. Bizzarro World.

    Turn away, like and trust yourself. Try spending time and money on real needs, not manufactured importances. That includes hierarchical religion, the original corporate leech.

    Posted by Leaf Eating Carnivore | February 8, 2014, 3:26 pm
  5. Hilarious as always. I had to read this to the other half. He got a good laugh too.

    Posted by Tonya | February 8, 2014, 6:25 pm
  6. Oh, such a belly laugh. Right. As if being in my laundry room leads to any thoughts except “Oh..crap..more things to do. And not sexy things. CHORES.”

    Posted by salcam | February 11, 2014, 9:39 am
  7. I’ve got something better than a washing machine! Check out this sex novelty furniture from http://www.headboardhandlebars.com.

    Posted by Ashton | March 6, 2014, 2:41 pm

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