I have arrived.
I noticed that I’ve been getting more and more hits to my site from the search term sex positions. So I decided to google it myself and holy G-spot Batman! My little bloggity blog pops up on the first search engine response page, albeit below the fold and bringing up the rear in positions 11 and 12. But still!
I owe this humble honor to Cosmopolitan magazine and their stupid-ass, sophomoric sex app, billed as the modern woman’s Kama Sutra and filled with such literary descriptions of said sex position as, ahem, G-spot Jiggy and The Lusty Leg Lift.
What makes me smile is that 99% of people who have commented on the posts, on Twitter, or G+ feel exactly the same way. That the app is super lame, not worth the $2.99, and is just another way for Cosmo to spread what is ultimately a misogynistic message. In the app the boobs defy gravity, women contort themselves into all kinds of positions while the guy leans back for the ride, and the writing, well, condescending is being generous.
But really, I shouldn’t have expected more. Because every single cover of Cosmopolitan has the same message: big boobs, slutty dresses, and discovering your bad boy index (oh, the irony). Yeah, nothing screams empowerment more than, “The smile that gets you what you want,” and infantilizing the vagina by calling it the va-jay-jay.
Have you ever seen Men’s Health or GQ with a cover that says, “Why we like slutty girls?” or “What your pee-pee is dying to tell you?” How about, “Listen to your one-eyed snake, mates” or, “What big Jim and the twins are really trying to say?”
In fact, Men’s Health has some great sex articles with specific techniques and, hold me back, advice on foreplay. An article from Men’s Health that I still discuss with my patients includes how to incorporate a vibrator into sex and to suck on the clitoris like you’re sucking on a tic-tac. The message just seems to be more about mutual pleasure than feral back alley fucking. I’m not saying that we don’t all have our wanton moments, but if Men’s Health can sell copy by actually promoting mutually pleasurable and physically achievable sex advice, why can’t Cosmo?
And the fact that my humble posts about how Cosmo’s sex app denigrates women are getting some traction, well, I think it means a lot of people agree with me.
That, and it’s time for me to come up with a competing sex app, complete with foreplay advice, names that don’t conjure up bad 70′s porn, and lube suggestions. And don’t worry, your C-spine will be safe with me.