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Orgasm, sex

Cosmo’s sex position of the day: nothing brings sexy back more than “put your head on the floor”

“I want to make mad, passionate love to you, so let me grab a pillow and put my head on the floor.”

And with that, I give you the Head over heels

Really Cosmo? All I can say is, “Fuck off!”

First of all the name. Stop it with the stupid alliteration. Face-to-face-fandango, Wanton wheelbarrow, Head over heels….did your Intern just learn about this in Intro to English Literature? I know you think the names sound mischievous, but to anyone actually old enough to legally have sex they sound, er, grade school. And that’s, well, gross.

Secondly, the position. I mean really. You think this evokes passion and screaming orgasms? (the real kind, not that stupid shot that your interns probably drink Fridays after work right after they’ve slammed back a sex on the beach, giggling the whole time they order them from the bartender).

So to do my due diligence, to see if these position are even achievable by an average woman, I propped myself up on my head (that just sounded sexy now, didn’t it?). Holy fuck (and not the good kind, let me tell you), my head hurt after 3 seconds. I was screaming alright…”Take the picture, take the picture.” I can confidently state I have never been in a more uncomfortable position. I dissolved into tears when I realized we had to take the picture again. And not only do you want me to get into this position but you expect some guy to be able to hold me up in this position and drill me make love to me?

Which brings me to my last point. Cosmo, you have such a double message. On the one hand you write in your little magazine about empowering women, but the message comes attached to images of slutty prom dresses and come-fuck-me shoes (see every Cosmo cover for the past 30 years). While I most definitely agree that women should be empowered to have sex, it should be good (and safe) sex that means something and not just for the guy! The only kind of sex these positions seem to be empowering women to have is the fuck-your-best-friend’s-boyfriend-in-the-bathroom-of-the-bar-and-then-wake-up-in-the-morning-with-that-cat-sick-breath-wondering-why-you-are-missing-your-underwear-and-a-shoe kind of sex.

If you want women to have better sex, it starts with being empowered to say what you want and how and when you want it. It requires a guy who’s into you, not one who wants to stand by while you fold and unfold yourself like a origami project on his penis. It requires touching and stimulation in the right places not the fear you could snap a vertebrae. There is no way anyone’s getting any clitoral stimulation with Head over heels (I’m just saying). Cosmo, you do know where the clitoris is, don’t you?

All I know is that better sex, amazing sex, orgasmic sex doesn’t start with put your head on the floor.

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Discussion

8 thoughts on “Cosmo’s sex position of the day: nothing brings sexy back more than “put your head on the floor”

  1. I couldn’t think of anything to say even after 5 minutes looking and reading . God , that must hurt . Cosmo have got some right wallys .

    Posted by Jim ( aka riiibbit ) | September 4, 2011, 7:03 pm
  2. Cosmo has magazines to sell, so they take massive artistic license.

    Posted by Jeffrey Stevens (@jeff1132) | September 5, 2011, 4:31 am
  3. I had to laugh in disbelief at this! What? You’re serious? Come on!! Cosmo must’ve been taken over by teenage boys with no experience ….

    Posted by Catherine Voutier | September 5, 2011, 5:35 am
  4. Jeeze they obviously didn’t test it out and what’s that bit dangling from her chest ??

    Posted by Nathalie Brown | September 6, 2011, 7:51 am
  5. While I hate Cosmo and the things it spouts, I don’t agree with this dissection of this position.

    One, if you look at the picture, she’s not actually on her ‘head’, she’s resting on her arms. Two, you say a woman should be empowered to say what she wants and when she wants it. What if a woman decides she wants to try this position? Perhaps this position does provide stimulation that you haven’t tested by standing alone on your head? (And by the way, since when is a woman’s pleasure judged solely on clitoral stimulation???)

    Good sex requires both partners to share in the pleasure, but maybe not both always simultaneously. If, as you claim, this position provides no stimulation for the woman, perhaps she gains pleasure from knowing her partner is enjoying the position, and he can repay the pleasure by trying something she gets off on next. Give and take, people!

    If you want to pick apart Cosmo, at least find an article worth attacking and not spout your own judgemental attitude on what ‘good’ sex is.

    Posted by Alice | September 6, 2011, 8:07 am
  6. Just wanted to say that this sex position is awesome and just simply requires a down to earth, athletic girl with talent and an open mind!

    Posted by Patrick | July 22, 2012, 4:42 pm
  7. !

    Posted by Patrick | July 22, 2012, 4:50 pm

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