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Editorials, Orgasm, sex

“Head game,” Cosmo’s sex position of the day, may require orthopedic clearance

My review of the Cosmo sex position Face to Face Fandango was such a success I have decided to make this a regular feature of the blog. Because not only do I care about you all having good sex, I also care about your backs and hamstrings.

To complete this quest I downloaded Cosmo’s “Sex position of the day” app for $2.99 and decided to take it out for a spin. When you open the app you are presented with a random sex position of the day. However, if you want to sex things up a notch you can shake your smart phone, like a Magic 8 Ball, for a new position. I mean nothing screams passion like, “Just a minute, Hon, let me get my iPhone,” while he waits with bated breath while you enter your password, open the app, and then enter a new password (because you don’t want your kids mistakenly opening this app when they are looking for Angry Birds) and then give it a shake.

And so finally after all that fumbling and shaking (and no one’s even opened the condom wrapper yet!) you are presented with the Head Game.

There are so many issues here it is hard to know where to begin, but I’ll try.

First of all the breasts. Dear Cosmo, when a woman is upside down, unless she has had very recent and very amazing plastic surgery, her breasts do not remain in a perfect tear-drop shape directed towards her toes. There is a force called gravity (maybe you heard about it in grade 2?) which will, er, cause the breasts to flop in the other direction, you know, towards the face.

Secondly, what the fuck? I don’t know any human capable of bending 90 degrees at the neck and liking it, never mind be comfortable enough to have an orgasm! I’m looking at this thinking, will I need a radiologist to clear my C-spine afterwards?

Thirdly, my good friends at Cosmo, what is up with your continued obsession with deeper penetration (touted as one of the so-called advantages of this position). Deep is nice, but I hate to break it to you: the clitoris and G-spot are not located behind the tonsils. In case you are unaware (and apparently you are), penetration is the least reliable way to achieve orgasm (which, BTW, is what most ladies are going for with the whole sex thing). Manual stimulation is often needed for orgasm (and even if it’s not, it feels nice) but this position ties up everyone’s hands with the whole balance thing.

And finally the name. Head Game must clearly be some clever Intern’s attempt at a play on words…”Ooh, his head will love it and she’ll go wild in the head!” I think a better name is Head Case, because no one in their right mind would look at that cartoon and say, “Wow, that picture just screams orgasm.” Unless Head Game is a reference to the headache that sets in about 15 seconds into the position (see below).

Despite my reservations that I might need an orthopedic surgeon’s clearance, I decided to road test the girl’s position (dedication to my craft folks, dedication). It took me about a minute to shimmy up the wall and let me tell you, it’s mighty uncomfortable. The whole bending-at-the-neck-thing sort of kinks off your windpipe and within a minute one of my kids asked, “Mommy, why is your face turning red?” Well, maybe the folks at Cosmo find that special shade of dusky red brought on by venous congestion of the head sexy, but I’m thinking it’s not a good look. The blood pooling in my head also made my head pound (and not in that cute Cosmo double entendre kind of way). And my breasts (normally pretty perky, thank you very much) obeyed gravity, even with a good bra, and only further compressed my upper airway. I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t handle the Head Game position for 30 seconds, never mind contemplate having sex like this. Not even with Ryan Reynolds.

Cosmo, you’re 0-2 on your carnal challenges.

I wonder what neat-o position I’ll get next week?

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Discussion

11 thoughts on ““Head game,” Cosmo’s sex position of the day, may require orthopedic clearance

  1. Unfortunately using this position would qualify as evidence of altered mental status and would prevent me from clinically clearing your C-Spine by NEXUS criteria.

    Posted by Jason | August 27, 2011, 12:57 am
  2. Hahaha… “Not even with Ryan Reynolds” I love these posts!

    Posted by Danielle (Shrinking and Studying) | August 27, 2011, 2:10 am
  3. Also, from a male perspective — my penis, when erect, doesn’t really have the ability to swivel and point 180 degrees in the other direction. I can’t speak for all men, I suppose.

    Great article.

    Posted by Eric Rzeszut (@ericrz) | August 27, 2011, 3:30 am
  4. THIS. IS. AWESOME!
    :-)

    Laughing too hard to write anything more…

    Posted by Pranab | August 27, 2011, 4:02 am
  5. @Eric May I suggest you adopt an intense cycling habit if you’d like to fix your “inflexibility.” Or find a woman with certain, uh, strengths.

    Posted by PGYx | August 27, 2011, 4:09 pm
  6. So Jen, I am an OB/GYN who attended the San Diego ASCCP conference. I like your blog.

    I was running with a non-medical friend who asked me a very good question: does the g-spot really exist, and if so,why isn’t the penis inherently angled to stimulate the g-spot?

    As you know, us Gyns have very little, if any, sex-training in residency. I wasn’t sure how to answer this, except to say that the g-spot is controversial, and not supported by evidence-based medicine. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

    Posted by C. Mcnally | December 31, 2011, 7:00 pm
    • There is evidence based medicine that tells us on ultrasound and MRI some women have more nerves/soft tissue between vagina and base of bladder, where G-spot is located. Personally I think the G-spot is a clustering of the afferents and efferents for the clitoris and for some women there is a plexus and for others there isn’t. Since we don’t know the sex position that did the best evolutionary-wise it is hard to comment on ideal angle. I think as we evolved into more complex beings we were able to find the most satisfactory positions. Different people fit differently…and that is part of the fun, finding what works for you and your partner!

      Thanks for commenting.

      Posted by Dr. Jen Gunter | January 1, 2012, 12:35 pm

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: Cosmo sex position of the day: hamstring hell « Dr. Jen Gunter - September 17, 2011

  2. Pingback: Cosmo’s latest sex position proves they know as little about sprinklers as they do orgasms « Dr. Jen Gunter - October 8, 2011

  3. Pingback: Google “sex positions” and what do you get? Me! (and where to find better sex advice than Cosmo) « Dr. Jen Gunter - November 22, 2011

  4. Pingback: Sex Game Cosmo - December 16, 2011

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