My review of the Cosmo sex position Face to Face Fandango was such a success I have decided to make this a regular feature of the blog. Because not only do I care about you all having good sex, I also care about your backs and hamstrings.
To complete this quest I downloaded Cosmo’s “Sex position of the day” app for $2.99 and decided to take it out for a spin. When you open the app you are presented with a random sex position of the day. However, if you want to sex things up a notch you can shake your smart phone, like a Magic 8 Ball, for a new position. I mean nothing screams passion like, “Just a minute, Hon, let me get my iPhone,” while he waits with bated breath while you enter your password, open the app, and then enter a new password (because you don’t want your kids mistakenly opening this app when they are looking for Angry Birds) and then give it a shake.
There are so many issues here it is hard to know where to begin, but I’ll try.
First of all the breasts. Dear Cosmo, when a woman is upside down, unless she has had very recent and very amazing plastic surgery, her breasts do not remain in a perfect tear-drop shape directed towards her toes. There is a force called gravity (maybe you heard about it in grade 2?) which will, er, cause the breasts to flop in the other direction, you know, towards the face.
Secondly, what the fuck? I don’t know any human capable of bending 90 degrees at the neck and liking it, never mind be comfortable enough to have an orgasm! I’m looking at this thinking, will I need a radiologist to clear my C-spine afterwards?
Thirdly, my good friends at Cosmo, what is up with your continued obsession with deeper penetration (touted as one of the so-called advantages of this position). Deep is nice, but I hate to break it to you: the clitoris and G-spot are not located behind the tonsils. In case you are unaware (and apparently you are), penetration is the least reliable way to achieve orgasm (which, BTW, is what most ladies are going for with the whole sex thing). Manual stimulation is often needed for orgasm (and even if it’s not, it feels nice) but this position ties up everyone’s hands with the whole balance thing.
And finally the name. Head Game must clearly be some clever Intern’s attempt at a play on words…”Ooh, his head will love it and she’ll go wild in the head!” I think a better name is Head Case, because no one in their right mind would look at that cartoon and say, “Wow, that picture just screams orgasm.” Unless Head Game is a reference to the headache that sets in about 15 seconds into the position (see below).
Despite my reservations that I might need an orthopedic surgeon’s clearance, I decided to road test the girl’s position (dedication to my craft folks, dedication). It took me about a minute to shimmy up the wall and let me tell you, it’s mighty uncomfortable. The whole bending-at-the-neck-thing sort of kinks off your windpipe and within a minute one of my kids asked, “Mommy, why is your face turning red?” Well, maybe the folks at Cosmo find that special shade of dusky red brought on by venous congestion of the head sexy, but I’m thinking it’s not a good look. The blood pooling in my head also made my head pound (and not in that cute Cosmo double entendre kind of way). And my breasts (normally pretty perky, thank you very much) obeyed gravity, even with a good bra, and only further compressed my upper airway. I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t handle the Head Game position for 30 seconds, never mind contemplate having sex like this. Not even with Ryan Reynolds.
Cosmo, you’re 0-2 on your carnal challenges.
I wonder what neat-o position I’ll get next week?